How to Hear the Heart That Reveals Itself


By this time tomorrow,
The secrets of my fickle heart
Will be laid bare
Before a room of strangers;

They will scrutinize and analyze
Each and every outpouring 
From my most vulnerable core;

They’ll compare it to my compeers–
As if I don’t overdo that already–
Before they declare it:

Fit or failing 

You would think that of all the tests–
Countless labs, a spinal tap, biopsy,
MRIs, autonomic test, 48-hr EEG–

That this:
Two catheters inserted into me
Via pulmonary and radial arteries,
To ride an exercise bike,
Muzzled by a mouthpiece,
Into increasing resistance
Until I hit that metaphorical wall
Or the literal floor…

Would jangle these raw, damaged nerves
And skyrocket that thumping, racing 
Churning hypertonic muscles like a raging cyclone,
And, with the reliability of a Casio G-Shock,
Put a screeching halt to my zzz’s––

But instead, I am finding that
Curiosity draws me forward
More than fear and catastrophizing pulls me back;

The promise of long concealed mysteries
Finally fully uncovered and revealed
Leaves my veins thrumming with anticipation

Oh, heart, please don’t betray us now…

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